My name is Autumn Buzzell and I live and work in Ghana, West Africa with City of Refuge Ministries. Here, I run our school, Faith Roots International Academy, and get to be a part in rescuing and the healing of children who have been trafficked into the fishing trade, orphaned, abandoned, and those who just need a little extra loving. What an amazing gift this life is!

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Monday, June 3, 2013

Made to Crave, Post #10

I saw a post by an old friend on Facebook.  She had lost 50 lbs in less than a year.  She looks awesome.  And as a reward for all her hard work, she went skydiving. 

I wrote her to let her know what an inspirational accomplishment her weight loss was.  Her reply was that she'd lost it the old fashioned way...hard work, diet, and exercise. 

And she said that she now has the confidence to be the person God intended her to be.  That's a powerful word!  She has always been who God created her to be, but now she has the CONFIDENCE to live it out.

I want that too.  Yet, I wish, somehow, that it were easier.

I'm nearing the end of my Made to Crave book, though I have a feeling that this journey has not yet even started.  In fact, if I were to be completely honest with you (my random reading audience), I have probably gained weight during this whole process.

I have walked through some very difficult relationships during this season.  I have been back to the States, wanting to taste some of the things I've missed during my year away.  I have eaten more than my body needed at dinners and lunches.  And chocolate...let's not even talk about that obsession.

And somehow the thought of letting go of these things for the sake of a healthier body, while it seems great in theory, is harder to put into practice.  You see, these are my comforts.  My home away from home.  These foods...this lifestyle of little exercise, lots of chocolate...they have become my friends.  It is an incredibly sad realization to come to.

Lysa says in her book,
"When we are defeated and stuck in issues of the flesh, it's really hard to fully and passionately follow hard after God.  So, lest we start mourning what will be lost, we must celebrate all that's being gained through this process.
What if this whole journey of getting healthy could be more about what we're in the process of gaining than what we're losing?"

"Focusing on what we're giving up will only make us feel constantly deprived.  And deprivation leads to desperation, frustration, and failure.  Instead, we have to focus on everything we're gaining through this process.  And see the gains as more valuable than the losses."

Sometimes the gains of weight loss seems much less in my eyes than the merits of that dark chocolate bar sitting in my freezer.  But, I see Lysa's point.  There is so much to be gained in taking this journey towards healthy living.  Like my friend, Laura, said, "I'm having the confidence to be the person God designed me to be."  And that confidence to be who God has created you to be...that's worth it all.

When I look at my habits, the way that I live my life, the place that food and sedentary living had taken it's hold...there is only one place that I can honestly go to...

A place a repentance. 

This wasn't "the way God designed me".  It wasn't his plan for me to live my life so unsatisfied.  So fearful.  Hiding behind my weight. 

Lysa closes chapter 18 with this prayer...one that tugs and pulls at my heart...I'm there...

"Dear Jesus,
I have finally found the courage to admit I've craved food more than You.  I have wept over giving up food while hardly giving a thought to You giving Your life for my freedom.  I've been bound up by feelings of helplessness.  I've been angry that I have to deal with this weight issue and have been mad at You for allowing this to be one of my lots in life.  I've made excuses.  I've pointed fingers.  I've relied on food for things it could never give me.  I've lied to myself about the realities of why I gain weight.  I've settled and excused and made pithy comments justifying my issues.  I've been enthralled by buttered bread while yawning through Your daily bread.
For all that, I am so sorry.  These are not just little issues.  These, for me, are sins--missing the mark of Your best for my life.  With my whole heart, mind, and soul, I repent.  I stand on this step and stare at the reality of my depravity and turn.  I turn from the dieting mindset.  I turn from what I must give up and weep no more.  I remove my toe keeping open the door to my old habits and patterns, my old mind-set, my old go-to scripts.
I choose freedom.  I choose victory.  I choose courage.  And yes, above all else, I choose You.

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