My name is Autumn Buzzell and I live and work in Ghana, West Africa with City of Refuge Ministries. Here, I run our school, Faith Roots International Academy, and get to be a part in rescuing and the healing of children who have been trafficked into the fishing trade, orphaned, abandoned, and those who just need a little extra loving. What an amazing gift this life is!

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Friday, May 17, 2013

Made to Crave, Post #9

Yeah, there has been a reason I have been avoiding these posts...and this book...and these feelings.  Because it's hard.

This season, as I've expressed before, has been challenging for me.  I feel like God has asked me to withdraw so that I am able to find time with him, but I didn't know how to do that very well.  And my withdrawl led to some pretty significant laziness...way to much chocolate...and I look at how I look and I am extremely unhappy.  But, I struggle to find the energy to do anything about it.  Yet.

Today, as I read through a few chapters of Made to Crave (you'd think there would be an end in sight for this book...each chapter seems to rip my carefully layered band-aids over this particularly sore subject off quite painfully), I struggled.  I threw out about 15 different excuses for the way that I have been satisfied in living.  I argued with myself about the merits of my eating and exercising habits and when I finally came down to it, it is this...

I live in a place of fear.

I am afraid to change.  I am afraid of the work it will take to change.  I am afraid that I won't have enough help or encouragement or resources to change.  I am afraid that, even if I do change, the weight will just come right back on.  I am afraid that it will take me too long to do this and that I will just give up. 

But, I am most afraid of this...what happens if I do lose weight (and I have a lot to lose, at least 75 pounds) and my life doesn't look much different.

I was challenged by Lysa's words:

"I'm on a journey with Jesus to learn the fine art of self-discipline for the purpose of holiness."

In the end, what is my purpose for losing weight? 

To feel better.  Yes. 

To look better.  Sure.

But, if my purpose is purely those reasons, it's not enough. 

I packed on the pounds over the years as a way to protect myself from what I feared most--intimacy.  It allowed me to hide in so many ways.  And this journey has to be about just that--intimacy.

"Making the connection between my daily disciplines with food and my desire to pursue holiness is crucial.  Holiness doesn't just deal with my spiritual life; it very much deals with my physical life as well."

This journey has to be a journey of pursuing holiness. 

I know that this is  spiritual thing.  But, in all honesty, I don't know if I'm quite ready to make the sacrifice.  And even as I look down at all the body parts that are flabby and frustrating, I say this because this whole journey isn't easy.  It is a battle 100% of the time.  A battle of the mind.  A battle of the heart.  Victory doesn't come easy.  And sometimes I would rather give in to the temptation than battle it through again.

"Victory is when we pick something healthy over something not beneficial for us.  And we maintain our victories with each next choice."

How do I get the strength to make those choices?

"This place is found at the bottom of our excuses and rationalizations.  It's found when our efforts fail time and time again.  It's found in the humility of this admission: 'I need God to unsettle me.'"

I want to be there.  I want to ask for that.  I am scared to ask that of God.  I fear the results...how will it challenge and change my life.

I wish I could just give you a dialogue of what is literally going on inside my head right now as I write this post.  An enormous battle.  Because when I finally release this...when I ask God to unsettle me...I know that things will have to change.  Everything within me cries for it...and battles against it.

God, in YOUR strength, I ask you to unsettle me.  Walk me through this battle to a place of holiness.  As much as I fear it...I want you more.

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