Worry

It seems like these past couple of weeks, I have been struggling with worry.

This week it overflowed when my assistant, Ella, announced that she had to leave due to a family conflict.

I thought to myself, "How can I go back to the States with all this on my plate and NO ONE in the school." 

I was worried.

Probably unnecessarily so (as my friend Christina reasoned with me later), but in those moments, the worry was real and oppressive and overpowering.

And then, this morning, I spend the morning in my room instead of attending the usual CORM church service.  Me and my Papa. 

I entered the throneroom and worshipped. 

I felt like I had cuddled up in his arms as I prayed and talked and cried with my Abba Father.

I hadn't done that in a long time.

Too long.

And then, I turned on a couple of podcasts that a friend sent my way (Thanks Steve!) by a preacher named Todd White. 

You know when you come into the presence of God, He is going to speak.

And speak, He did.  More than even speaking, He disciplined.

Todd's sermon was on worry.  He said that many Christians live their entire life in a place of STRIVING instead of a place of REST...a place of WORRY instead of a place of CONFIDENCE.  And it's more than just living in an unhealthy spiritual place...it's a sinful place.

Convicted.

Jesus has already done it.  The price has been paid.  Yet, we constantly take BACK his sacrifice and say that what He did is not enough...that we have to STRIVE for more...that we have to WORRY about getting the next thing done.

It's not fair.  It's not right.  It's not TRUE.

And I was reminded again...as God showed me on Friday...that it's time for me to LAY THIS DOWN.  This burden is not mine to carry. 

I can't worry about what will happen when I'm not around.  I have to TRUST that God is in control!

I can't worry about getting everything in place before I leave.  I will do my best and know that God will provide for every need and He will fill in the gaps.

I can't worry about the students...the teachers...GES...the curriculum...

This isn't about the school at all, in fact.

It's about me...and God...and surrender.

And it's an every day surrender.

It's not easy.  But it is fair.  And it is right.  And it is true.

So, that's what I'm trying.  That everyday surrender.  That every moment surrender. 

I need that REST.  I need that CONFIDENCE.  I need more of CHRIST and less of me.

I need SURRENDER.