My name is Autumn Buzzell and I live and work in Ghana, West Africa with City of Refuge Ministries. Here, I run our school, Faith Roots International Academy, and get to be a part in rescuing and the healing of children who have been trafficked into the fishing trade, orphaned, abandoned, and those who just need a little extra loving. What an amazing gift this life is!

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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Reflecting on Singleness

I had a frustrating interaction with a local pastor on Friday, right near the end of our celebration time.  Coming on the heels of some really damaging information we recieved earlier in the week, I wasn't able to figure out how to deal with my emotions.  Am still figuring that out...

Yesterday, one of the local pastors came to chat with me a bit while we were packing everything up from our big celebration.  I tend to be very careful with what I say to certain people, not sure how they will handle the information, so I always try to be wise with my words when handling conversations with this man. 

Anyway, we chatted for awhile about various issues, and then he started prodding at my relationship status.  I am always careful around this issue, especially here.  When I told him that I was single, he asked me, "Why?  Don't you want to be married?" 

I know it wasn't his intention to be hurtful, nosy perhaps, but certainly not hurtful.  And perhaps that question wouldn't seem hurtful to many.  But, to me, it stung.

I responded that for now, God has called me here in my singleness.  When God calls me into marraige, I will follow after Him in that too. 

To which the pastor responded, "Then, you need to be praying for a man who has a heart that loves God to pursue you."

Another sting.  Another barb.

Not intentional, but hurtful all the same.

Of course I want to be married.  I long to be married.  I long for a family of my own.  I desire a husband that loves God and pursues him relentlessly.  I want children of my own.

I have dreams, have always had dreams, of being a wife and a mother.

I think, being here, has, in some ways, intensified those desires only because I long for someone to partner with me here.  The ministry can be extremely lonely...especially in a foreign culture and as a leader. 

Of course I pray for my future husband.  Almost daily, I pray for the man that he is now and who God is shaping him to be.  I pray for his heart, that he would be growing in maturity so that he will be able to lead well.  I don't know who he is, but I pray for him all the time.

Today, I was asked how many kids I would want when I was married someday.  I had to think about my answer, knowing that probably two years ago, I could have said my answer promptly, but knowing that I'm getting older and can't have the 5 kids that I longed for in the past, I had to answer a brief, "I'm not sure anymore."

I am busy here and this isn't something that is constantly on my mind, but I'm feeling a little raw with the emotions and awareness of my singleness today.

I pray that someday I will be married, but I know that there is a chance that I won't.  There is that chance.  And I think it's in that chance, that fear lies.

Predatory.  Filling my mind with the fear that I'm not good enough.  And so I wait in that, to hear the truth.  To believe the truth about myself again.

I trust in the promises of a Father who is good.  So, for now, and as often as I will remember, I will lay aside the fear of the unknown future ahead of me and trust that God has all under control.


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